Insanity in Ancient Egypt
by Scimitar Elf
Summary: A twisted tale of hilarious events in Egypt. HEY!! I updated Chapter one!! Please read and review!!!!
1. Default Chapter

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter One: A most odd beginning  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh or Two weeks notice. Kaona and Sakira are my  
cousin's, but Artemis Entrari is MINE!!! So no steal!!  
  
The Pharaoh of Egypt sat in his throne. This was an exciting day. Today he would choose five more wives to add to his 'collection.' Meanwhile, his secretary, Kaona was standing by a pillar with a flyswatter. 'That fly is so interesting.' She thought to herself.  
  
"My Pharaoh," said Yami's scribe. "It is time for you to choose your new wives."  
  
"Very well then." Said Yami. Unfortunately for Kaona, she was standing in the line of brides and didn't know it.  
  
"I'll start from the left scribe." Said the Pharaoh. "No,no,no,no,no,no, YES! No,no,no,no,no,no, YES!" As he did this, the floor underneath each bride would drop into a pit of evil hairstylists if he said "No." Or, it would magically go to the ceiling where the good stylists would 'doll them up'.  
  
"No,no,no,no,no,no, YES! No,no,no,no,no,no, YES! Oh I like her!" he said, pointing at Kaona.  
  
"But she's your secretary!" said the scribe.  
  
"Well then. That's her position? Lowly secretary! Give her a promotion! Make her my chief advisor!!"  
  
"I-I'm sorry what?" said Kaona, finally turning her attention away from the fly.  
  
"Congratulations!" yelled the Pharaoh. "You're my new chief advisor! And my wife!"  
  
"WWWhat!" screamed Kaona as her platform began floating upward.  
  
"Oh and scribe," said the Pharaoh. "Fire my old chief advisor won't you."  
  
"With pleasure sire." Said the scribe.  
  
Five minutes later, a peasant walking in the street yelled, "Hey look everybody! Someone at the palace got fired!" yelled the peasant as he watched a figure being thrown out a window.  
  
Egyptian Market: A woman was running on the rooftops of the buildings in the market. Her name was Sakira. She was a tomb robber. The Pharaoh's guards were after her again. But she knew she could always outrun them. She always did.  
  
Kaona felt like she was having a nightmare. She was forced to help him decide on everything. ( I'm basing this whole thing about Kaona being the Pharaoh's servant on the movie Two Weeks Notice.)  
  
Right now she was helping him decide on a new mattress.  
  
"So, Kaona," said the Pharaoh as he laid down next to Kaona. "What do you think of this mattress for the royal bedroom?"  
  
"Well sir," she said dully. "It's very firm."  
  
"But is it, too firm?" he said as he started bouncing on the mattress.  
  
"Oh my Ra." she said as she watched him.  
  
"It has come to my attention," said the Pharaoh. "That our high priest (Kaiba.) has turned against us and left. I shall now read from this parchment the name of our new high priest."  
  
'This is it!' thought Bakura. 'I'm a shoe-in! Not only am I a close friend of the Pharaoh's, but I'm also the head general, and, I have tons of religious experience!!'  
  
"Our new high priest shall be," began the Pharaoh. "B-  
  
Bakura inhaled with excitement.  
  
"Oh.wait. That's a smudge. Our new high priest will be the slave Jounouchi!" said the Pharoah cheerfully.  
  
"What!!" yelled Bakura. "A slave! Pharaoh, why not me!? I'm the one who really saves this country when we're in danger! I never get recognized enough for my tributes to the nation!"  
  
This was too much for Bakura, and like a stretched rubber band, he snapped. Almost magically he became disheveled and his once noble eyes turned insane.  
  
"That's it Pharaoh!" yelled Bakura. "I may have not gotten the position today. But eventually I will! Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day," he continued as he slowly backed out the main chamber.  
  
"And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next da-  
  
The doors slammed shut.  
  
"Sir," said the scribe. "Talking Papyrus for you sir. (Sort of like a howler.)"  
  
The Pharaoh opened the parchment roll.  
  
"And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the ne-  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh!!!" screamed the Pharaoh. "Kaona, lock the doors, bolt the windows, get the swords, no, shields, no, machine guns, no atomic bombs, no, Get me weapon XJ495LZ73A1!"  
  
"But sir!" yelled Kaona. "Are you sure it's nesscecar-  
  
"Yes it is nessar! I know what is nessar! Don't go telling me what is nessar!" said the Pharaoh.  
  
Bakura, who was still talking, was already in the village outside the palace. At the same moment Sakira had finally outrun the guards.  
  
"Hah!" she yelled triumphantly. "You'll never catch me suckers!" she said as she did a celebration back flip. Unfortunately, she miss-calculated and back flipped off the roof.  
  
It was at the very same moment that Bakura backed into the alley behind the building Sakira was on.  
  
"And the next, and the next day, and the next day, and the next-ooof!!!" he said as Sakira landed on top of him.  
  
"Mmmm, fluffy." She said as she ran her fingers through whatever had broken her fall.  
  
"Oh my gosh, it's a guy!" she said, and quickly got off Bakura. "Dude, are you okay?"  
  
"NORWAY!!!" yelled Bakura.  
  
He slowly got up.  
  
He twisted his head so it faced the right way, and looked in her eyes. It was 'love' at first sight.  
  
From that day forward, Bakura and Sakira became partners in plunder.  
  
Background music: A friend is a friend is a friend 'till the end that's forevah! That's forevah!  
  
"You can kill this guard and I'll take the next one." Said Bakura to Sakira as they plundered a tomb.  
  
Once they were done with the guards, they found themselves inside a tomb full of riches. Then, they celebrated.  
  
BM: I'll stay by your side there's no need to ask why cause we're best friends, yeah we're best friends.  
  
"Hey," said Sakira. "What's your name?"  
  
Music stops.  
  
"Bakura." He said.  
  
Music starts.  
  
"I have a question for you," said Bakura dreamily. "What's your name?"  
  
Music stops.  
  
"Sakira." She answered.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Eh hem!" said Bakura.  
  
"Oh sorry," said a random voice.  
  
Music starts.  
  
Back at Kaona's room:  
  
Ring ring! Ring ring!  
  
"Hello?" said Kaona sleepily. It was 2:00 am.  
  
"Hello, Kaona." Said Yami, as he sat down at a table with a girl at a night club. "Yes it's me Yami! I've just met this incredible new girl! She wonderful and..  
  
"That's nice Pharaoh." Said Kaona. "I gotta go by-  
  
"Why must you hang up?" asked Yami.  
  
"Pharaoh!" yelled Kaona through the phone. "It's two in the morning! Why must you keep calling me this late?! I have a stomach ulcer because of you! Can I speak to your lady friend please?"  
  
"Sure," said Yami. "It's for you."  
  
"Hello?' said the girl.  
  
"Listen," said Kaona. "The man you're with is deeply troubled. He doesn't rest well because of a constipation incident many years ago. It forced him to drop out of school. Don't end up like him. Finish high school and figure out your priorities first!"  
  
The girl put the phone away from her ear.  
  
"I think I'm gonna leave." She said.  
  
"Soooo," said Yami. "Did you like her, WHAT did you talk about?"  
  
"Well," said Kaona. "She seemed very nice."  
  
"Oh." Said Yami. "Well that's nice. Goodnight Kaona."  
  
"Goodnight sir." Said Kaona. "Tomorrow we can go retrieve the weapon for your protection, ok?"  
  
"Okay," said Yami. "Bye."  
  
"Bye." Said Kaona.  
  
Chapter ends.  
  
Author's note: Hey, I updated! Although the sites been messing up quotation marks and apostrophes recently. Darn it! 


	2. Weapon XJ495LZ73A1

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter Two: Weapon XJ495LZ73A1  
  
Disclaimer: I don't Yugioh or Monty Python  
  
The Pharaoh was in his room, in fetal position. He was awaiting a message that would tell him he could finally retrieve weapon XJ495LZ73A1. It was the most powerful offensive, and defensive weapon known to mankind.  
  
"Sir," said Kaona. "We're ready to proceed to the hallway that houses the weapon."  
  
"Good," said Yami with a sigh of relief.  
  
Kaona led Yami to a (from the outside view) very long corridor. There was one door in front at what seemed to be the end of the hallway.  
  
These were the security measures to reach the weapon.  
  
The Pharaoh approached the door.  
  
"What is your name?" asked the door in a shrill voice.  
  
"I am the Pharaoh." Said Yami.  
  
Magically the door opened and Yami found yet another door in front of him.  
  
"What is your quest?" asked the door.  
  
"I seek the almighty weapon XJ495LZ73A1." Responded Yami.  
  
The door opened and another one presented itself.  
  
"What is your password?" said the door.  
  
"*******." Said the Pharaoh.  
  
The door cleared and another appeared.  
  
"Who will be the most famous Pharaoh of all time?" asked the door.  
  
"I will!" said Yami.  
  
"Wrong answer. Please try again." Said the door.  
  
"I thought we would get to this." Said Kaona handing Yami a piece of paper.  
  
"Tutankhamun." Read Yami.  
  
The door opened, and the last door appeared.  
  
"What is your favorite color?" asked the door.  
  
"Gold." Said Yami.  
  
"Full response not given." Said the door.  
  
"Hmm," said Yami. "Aha. I'm ready now."  
  
"What is you favorite color?" reiterated the door.  
  
"Gold." Said Yami. "But what is your favorite color?"  
  
"Um, red, no, blue." BANG! The last door exploded.  
  
There in front of Yami was a pedestal with a glowing light shining on it. On the pedestal was the weapon, a golden frying pan with the Millennium symbol.  
  
Everyone bowed in awe.  
  
The Pharaoh took the frying pan in his arms, and ran back up to his room, where he resumed the fetal position.  
  
Meanwhile, Bakura and Sakira continued to plunder tombs. They were unbeatable. They went in and out without leaving a trace of evidence. (Unless you count the missing treasure.)  
  
They plundered almost 20 tombs on their journey from Cairo to Alexandria. They were filthy stink'n rich!  
  
Back at the palace, Jounouchi was about to start his first day as high priest. His slave's rags had been burned and he was given three sets of robes. He had decided that the first god he would pray to would be Ra, seeing as he was the head deity.  
  
He held his staff in the air and began to chant.  
  
Suddenly a voice said, "You are unworthy of this position slave."  
  
"Whatta you mean. And who are you?" said Jounouchi.  
  
"I am the god Ra." Said the voice. "There was a misreading and you were given the wrong fate, making you undeserving of your position!"  
  
"So what is my fate?" asked Jounouchi.  
  
"You have disrupted the complex space time continuum and therefore you must be erased from the ancient history, and reborn 5000 years from now with no memory of what has happened!" said Ra.  
  
"So what are you gonna do to m- aaaaaaaaaaaaagghhh!!!!" said Joey as he was hit by a giant lightning bolt.  
  
When Jounouchi finally awoke, he found himself in the clouds, with Honda.  
  
"So," said Honda. "You to eh?"  
  
"Yyyup." Said Jounouchi.  
  
"Well," said the god Osiris, popping out of nowhere. "It's better than being stuck in a triangle for five thousand years."  
  
"Good point." Said Jounouchi.  
  
In Alexandria :  
  
"Sakira," said Bakura. "I just had an idea. What if we return to Cairo and steal the Pharaoh's secret weapon?"  
  
"That's a great idea!" said Sakira. "Only one problem, the security'll be top notch, you know, because everyone's looking for us."  
  
"I know just how to get around that," he said, rolling up his sleeve. On his arm was the Millennium Armor.  
  
"Using its power of atomic rearrangement," began Bakura. "We can turn ourselves and others into whoever we want."  
  
He ran out into the street and grabbed two nomads. He whispered in their ears, and then turned them into Sakira and himself. "What did you do?" asked Sakira.  
  
"I told them to go to Syria and let themselves be seen." Said Bakura. "That way, the red alert here will disappear because the Pharaoh won't be in any danger!"  
  
"It's brilliant!" said Sakira.  
  
Sure enough, one week later, the alert was gone, and the frying pan returned.  
  
Bakura and Sakira snuck along the palace walls. It was night. Bakura was disquised as the Pharaoh, and Sakira looked like one of the guards.  
  
At long last they reached the corridor, and the questioning began.  
  
"What is your name?" asked the same shrill voice.  
  
"I am the Pharaoh." Said Bakura.  
  
The door opened.  
  
"This is easier than I thought!" said Bakura.  
  
"What is your quest?" asked the door.  
  
"I seek the sacred weapon!" said Bakura.  
  
"What is your password?" asked the door.  
  
"Uh oh." Said Sakira. "I wonder what kind of password a 'man with too many wives' would have?"  
  
"Password accepted." Said the door.  
  
"Nice one." Said Bakura giving Sakira a smile.  
  
"Who will be the most famous Pharaoh of all time." Asked the door.  
  
"Tutankhamun." Said Bakura.  
  
A light shined on both tomb robbers.  
  
"Good job," said Yami. "I didn't think anyone would get that on their first guess."  
  
"You!" said Bakura with hatred.  
  
"I see you've brought a little friend with you." Said Yami sneeringly. "How cute."  
  
"I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for you!" yelled Bakura.  
  
"Oh," said the Pharaoh. "How so?"  
  
"You ruined me." Said Bakura. "You gave away my position to a person undeserving! I had been waiting for the position of high priest for the longest time and you gave it to the wrong person!"  
  
"Guards," said Yami. "Take these fools away and lock them up."  
  
"Yes sir." Said the guards in unison.  
  
The prison cell:  
  
"I don't believe this!" said Bakura. "How did we get caught so easily?"  
  
"Well," said Sakira. "Maybe he got tipped off?"  
  
"You took the words right out of my mouth." Said Kaona from outside the cell.  
  
"It's you!" said Sakira. "The chief advisor/wife!"  
  
"I know who tipped off the Pharaoh." Said Kaona. "It was one of his brides. Her name's Anzu. She was one of the so called nomads you spoke with."  
  
"Where do you think we can find her?" asked Bakura.  
  
"Well, you're in luck." Said Kaona. "I managed to speak to Osiris yesterday, and he said that she messed up this space time continuum thing. Unfortunately, because she's of royal blood, you'll actually have to kill her."  
  
The last five words of Kaona's sentence brought a smile to both Bakura, and Sakira's face.  
  
"Well in that case," said Bakura. "Let's get going already."  
  
"She's in Persia." Said Kaona. "You're gonna need a navigator."  
  
"I know just who we can use." Said Bakura, rubbing the Millennium Ring. "My imprisoned noble half. Although, it was him who 'created' me, so he should be willing to help."  
  
The Millennium Ring flashed, and there stood the former general, Bakura. (We'll label him Yami Bakura.)  
  
"Well," he said, having heard everything. "The expedition is set, and the hunt is on. Watch out Anzu, we're coming!"  
  
Author's note: Okay, so the last half wasn't really funny, so I've decided to temporarily switch the genre to action/comedy. Next up, a race against time(and the need to go to find the bathroom.) to find Anzu in the streets of Persia's capitol. 


	3. The Untitled

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter 3: The Untitled (I love my lack of creativity!)  
  
"But Kaona," asked Bakura. "How are we going to not let the Pharaoh know you're gone?"  
  
"Your Millennium Armor of course." Said Kaona as she unlocked the jail cell.  
  
"But what poor sap can we turn into you?" asked Sakira.  
  
Artemis Entrari, the Pharaoh's Greek astronomer, was bored. He was lying on his bed thinking of the many ways he wished he could insult the Pharaoh.  
  
'I mean, what did the Pharaoh know after all?' thought Artemis to himself. 'Always preaching about having faith in the gods.'  
  
What a bunch of trash. Those gods didn't even exist! His gods, the Greek gods, were real. Uh huh, oh yeah. Nothing like a Greek god. And what was with this new religion called Christianity anyway? Those people were poor. They were sooo poor, they only had enough money for one god! The Greeks had a god for everything. Well maybe not sex. (But I heard that's coming!)  
  
Suddenly, Artemis heard a knock on his door. He opened it and saw, to his surprise, Kaona, along with several unidentified friends.  
  
"Kaona?" asked Artemis. "What do you want. And who're they?"  
  
"I'm Bakura, this is Sakira, and this, is my noble twin." Said Bakura.  
  
"Say wha.?" asked Artemis, dumbfounded.  
  
"Can't you read," said Sakira. "It's on our nametags!"  
  
"Nametags?" asked Artemis.  
  
"Yeah," said Yami Bakura. "Take a closer look at my armor."  
  
Artemis bent over and saw, to his amazement a tiny piece of paper that read, HELLO: My name is Yami Bakura.  
  
"Why is it so small?" he asked.  
  
"Well," said Sakira. "We forgot to take them off before we washed our clothes and they shrunk."  
  
"That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Said Artemis.  
  
"The reason we've come here," said Kaona. "Is because we want you to change into me a pretend to be me until we return."  
  
"I have no idea what's going on," said Artemis. "But I'll do it."  
  
And with that, Bakura turned him into Kaona. And the rest left.  
  
It was dawn by the time the four companions left. They were on horseback, moving at a steady pace. That was, until Sakira was bucked off her horse.  
  
"AAAAAAA!!!!" she screamed as she flew a record 130000 feet up in the air. Her remaining companions waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.  
  
Sometime later:  
  
"Is she down yet?" asked Kaona.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SPLAT!!!!!!" screamed Sakira as she hit the ground at a whopping 2000 mph.  
  
BANG!!!!  
  
"Sonic boom," said Yami Bakura. "Not bad."  
  
"I hate that horse!!" yelled Sakira.  
  
"Well why don't you take Buttercup?" said Bakura offering a trade. "She's a sweetheart." They traded horses.  
  
One and a half minutes later:  
  
"Should we even bother to wait for her to land?" asked Bakura.  
  
"NNNope." Said Yami Bakura and Kaona together.  
  
And with that, they left.  
  
It was about two hours later when Sakira finally landed. This time she managed to create 4 sonic booms.  
  
"You three can't even imagine what it's like to go through the atmosphere!!" she yelled once she caught up.  
  
"You went through the atmosphere?!" said Kaona with worry. "That must have hurt?"  
  
"You have no idea.of the pain." Said Sakira grimly.  
  
At long last they reached Persia. It was time to look for Anzu.  
  
"I really need to go to the bathroom!" begged Bakura.  
  
"Fine!" said his twin.  
  
"And I need to get some water." Pleaded Sakira.  
  
"Fine, fine." Said Yami Bakura.  
  
Sakira approached a water fountain. When she was almost there a man jumped in front of her, and started to drink.  
  
Sakira, who was already in a bad moon, began to tap her shoes at him. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap-  
  
"Hey," said the man turning around. "Don't a stomp your little last season pratta shoes at me haney." He said with a Hispanic accent. He then started to walk away.  
  
"But," said Sakira quietly. "These shoes aren't last season.aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"  
  
"Wait a minute!" she said running up to him, it was time for the test. "Do you have a girlfriend?"  
  
"Yes." he answered.  
  
"How long have you been dating her?"  
  
"Three months."  
  
"Is she pretty?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And your boyfriends name is?"  
  
"Chuck."  
  
People in the market area began to whisper.  
  
"I'm sorry. I was confused. Chuck is just a friend. Just a friend." Said the man.  
  
A man at a table stood up.  
  
"You bitch!" he yelled as he left.  
  
"Chuck come back!" yelled the man.  
  
"That was some nice work back there." Said Yami Bakura. "How did you even know?"  
  
"Oh that's easy." Said Sakira. "What kind of shoes am I wearing?"  
  
"Well," stuttered Yami Bakura. "Uh.um black ones?"  
  
"Exactly. Straight men don't know designers, gay men do." Said Sakira.  
  
"Wait a minute." Said Yami Bakura. "Who's that?"  
  
"That's Anzu!" said Sakira. "Let's get her!"  
  
"She's heading for that bridge!" said Yami Bakura.  
  
Both of them ran for her, but by the time they got to the bridge, she was gone. Instead, it became randomly dark and misty. A man walked up to them. A small nametag on his coat read: Jack the Ripper. If seen, call this number: 1-800-235-EVIL.  
  
"Nice night for a walk isn't it?" he said malevolently as he drew a dagger.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" yelled Yami Bakura as he kicked him off the bridge.  
  
"I'll get you, you meddling kids, and your little dog too." Yelled Jack.  
  
Bakura bent over the bridge. "#*&%!@$%#@-ing loser!" He yelled.  
  
It was then that Kaona and Bakura arrived.  
  
"Sakira!" said Bakura. "You can't be out here there's some dereanged murderer guy on the loose. It was at this that Yami Bakura smiled and pointed at the river below the bridge.  
  
"Kaona," said Yami Bakura. "Help me fish out 'Jack'. Sakira, Bakura, go chase after Anzu."  
  
"Okay bye." Said Sakira. The two tomb robbers chased Anzu through the streets until they reached the desert outskirts.  
  
"It ends here Anzu." Said Bakura, magically producing a guillotine from his pocket.  
  
"Where did you get that?" said Anzu in a snobby voice. "The Pharaoh outlawed those."  
  
"Uhhh," said Bakura thinking. "Internet!"  
  
"I shouldn't have asked." Said Anzu.  
  
Sakira placed Anzu on the guillotine while Bakura got ready to pull the string.  
  
"Any last words?" he asked her.  
  
"Well," said Anzu, somehow getting out of the headlock she was under. "I was wondering if I could give a friendship speech first?"  
  
B/S:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
B: Are you done yet?  
  
A: Wait, I haven't gotten to the part about courage!  
  
B/S: NOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Day Two  
  
S: Are you finished yet?  
  
A: Are you kidding? I'm only halfway through with the part about trust!  
  
B/S: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Day Three  
  
B: Are you anywhere near done?  
  
A: Stop being impatient. I'm still on the part about paying your taxes on time!  
  
B/S: Make it stop!!!  
  
Day Four  
  
S: Please tell me that we're almost done.  
  
A: No. We're only half done. And look, I made friendship cookies!!!  
  
B: Holy Ra! Make it stop!!! The horror!! The NC-17 horror!!!!  
  
Day Five  
  
S: Bakura, make it stop!  
  
B: Can't.evilness.overpowered by.speech..  
  
S: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!  
  
Day Six  
  
B: Must.draw.happy.dagger.  
  
S: Haven't.worked.out.getting fat.need.Life 'O' Suction!!!  
  
A: I made more cookies!!  
  
B/S: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Day Seven  
  
B: If we make it through this, will you marry me?  
  
S: Sure. And then we can start a "Death to Anzu" club  
  
B: How 'bout we kill her, then create an "Anti Friendship Speech" club  
  
S: Good idea.  
  
A: Who wants to play a game of, Name that Peace Core member?  
  
B/S: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Day Eight  
  
B: Regaining strength.I can finally.stand!  
  
S: Me too!!  
  
"Wow," said Bakura as he took out an axe. "Anzu's wooden necklace is soo fine, I must chop WOOOOOD!!" Bakura charged forward chopping off the necklace, and Anzu's head.  
  
"You did it Bakura!" cried Sakira. "You defeated Anzu!"  
  
"Alright!!" said Bakura.  
  
Anzu awoke. She was in a place of clouds. Sitting next her were Jounouchi and Honda.  
  
"You too eh?" they asked in unison.  
  
"YYYup." Said Anzu.  
  
Meanwhile,  
  
Bakura, and the rest of the gang were on their way home. It was then that they heard Sakira scream again.  
  
"Would you control that damn horse already!!!" yelled Yami Bakura as he watched her fly into the air.  
  
"Trying to control that horse?" said Yami. "He does it to all tomb robbers."  
  
"You are sick!" said Bakura. "Teaching your horses discrimination like that!!"  
  
Yami Bakura, who had just turned around, spat out his water.  
  
"Why is it that we keep running into you people!" yelled Bakura, whacking the Pharaoh in the gut with the handle of his scimitar.  
  
The four companions quickly got their horses to gallop, and they sped away.  
  
Yami, however, wouldn't give up. His voice was hoarse and squeaky as he tried to regain his breath.  
  
"General.get the horses, get the archers, get the chariots, and get me an ice pack!" said Yami.  
  
And so ends yet another episode of Insanity in ancient Egypt! What will happen next time? Is there a diabolical plot? Is the Pharaoh out for revenge? Are our four "heroes" in danger? Why am I asking you all these questions?! 


	4. Crusade of the Idiots

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter Four: Crusade of the Idiots  
  
Yami Bakura, Kaona, Sakira, and Bakura were galloping across the desert at top speed. If they didn't reach the palace before the Pharaoh, they were sure to be captured. And, obviously, they couldn't let that happen.  
  
"Hi ho Silver!" yelled Yami Bakura to his dark brown steed.  
  
"I can see something up in the distance!" cried Kaona.  
  
"Yeah," said Bakura, pulling out his binoculars. "It looks like Sakira got thrown off her horse again, and she's landed in that sand dune!"  
  
"No!" said Kaona with a sigh. "The other thing in the distance!"  
  
"You're right," said Yami Bakura. "It is the palace! We're almost there!"  
  
"Guys," said Bakura. "I think I just ran over something!"  
  
"It's Sakira!" said Kaona in shock. "Sakira, are you okay!?"  
  
"FIN-LAND!" she yelled.  
  
"She takes after me!" said Bakura proudly.  
  
Three hours later, the companions reached the palace. All the guards were gone.  
  
"Artemis," called Yami Bakura. "Are you here?!"  
  
"I'm right here you fool." Said Artemis. "What do you want?"  
  
"We need your help." Begged Kaona. "Can you help them get to safety, you know, somewhere out of Cairo?"  
  
"Well," began Artemis. "I can try."  
  
"Oh thank you Artemis, you're the best!" said Kaona hugging him.  
  
"I do have one question for you." Said Artemis.  
  
"What?" asked Kaona.  
  
"Well seeing as I still look like you," began Artemis. "What are these, D- cups?" SMACK!!!!  
  
"That should teach you." Said Kaona walking off.  
  
"There is one last thing," said Bakura. "I would like to take the Pharaoh's secret weapon with me."  
  
"Fine." Said Kaona. "Let's go get it."  
  
They walked to the hallway that housed the frying pan. The blue flames of the torches dimly lighted the corridor.  
  
"Wait just a minute." Said Bakura. "The last time I was here, the flames were the normal orange, not blue!"  
  
"They're new." Said Kaona dully. "The Pharaoh had them installed about three weeks ago. They automatically change color every hour."  
  
"Coooool." Said Bakura.  
  
"Come on." Said Kaona. "Let's get this over with."  
  
"What is your name?" asked the first security door.  
  
"I am not wasting my time here!" yelled Bakura, blasting down the doors with his Millennium Ring. There on the pedestal, stood the Millennium Frying Pan. Unfortunately, it had security lasers all around it.  
  
Bakura walked up to the pedastal, wiggling his fingers.  
  
"I hope I still remember how to do this." Said Bakura. He then took out a balloon, blew in it, then turned it into a balloon giraffe.  
  
"YYYYYYEEEEAAAHHHH." He whispered to himself.  
  
"We meet yet again." Said Yami popping out of nowhere with his guards.  
  
"How on earth did you get here!" yelled Sakira.  
  
"I don't really know," said Yami. "But I don't care! Guards, take them to the cells! And take my advisor with you!"  
  
"What!" yelled Kaona as she was dragged off.  
  
The four companions were dragged to jail, where they were to spend an eternity. As soon as the guards locked them up they were confronted by three birds.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Bakura.  
  
"Well," said a green bird. "I am Miguel."  
  
"I," said a green bird. "Am Pacho."  
  
"And I," said the last bird. "am Donald. And together, we are." dun dun dun..  
  
"We are the three caballeros! We like to sing and to dance, and to party all night looong! We are the three caballeros! We like to sing and to dance and to." And the music continued.  
  
"This is great!" said Sakira with joy.  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Yami Bakura.  
  
"FIESTA!!!!" replied all the prisoners. And the party began. Mexican decorations appeared out of nowhere, covering the walls, floors, and ceilings, with color.  
  
And they partied all night long.  
  
Everyone got up early the next morning. It was Bakura and Sakira's wedding day. Kaona along with several of the female prisoners were the bride's maids.  
  
"We are gathered here today," said the priest. "To join these two in the ceremony of holy matramo" rrrriiiinnngg. Rrrrriiinng. Riiinng.  
  
It took Kaona a second to realize that it was her cell phone that was going off. She picked it up and read the text message: Hlp. Emrgncy.  
  
"I'll just be going now," she whispered quietly. "Everyone looks great. You both look beautiful." And with that she silently trotted out of the church/jail cell, to the Pharaoh's room.  
  
"Help!" said Yami's voice. "Help!"  
  
"Sir?" said Kaona. "Sir, where are you?"  
  
"Back here!" yelled Yami.  
  
She finally found him, to her horror, standing by a rack of headdresses.  
  
"Oh my Ra. Sir, please do not tell me you called me out of a wedding just so I could help you pick out a headdress." Said Kaona.  
  
"But it's an emergency!" whined Yami.  
  
"I thought we went over what was an emergency Pharaoh." Said Kaona slapping her forehead.  
  
"Yes we did," said Yami thinking. "Um, it was, broken limb, severe loss of blood, or.death!"  
  
"YYYes," said Kaona. "And you're not dead are you?"  
  
"Well I don't think I a-  
  
"That was a rhetorical question!" yelled Kaona.  
  
"Before your anger increases further," said Yami. "Which of these do you think is better?"  
  
"AAAGGGHHHH!!!!" screamed Kaona. "That's it Pharaoh! I'm no longer helping you with your ridiculous decisions!" She quickly snatched the two headdresses from him.  
  
"Please consider this my two weeks notice." Said Kaona. "Oh and, I think the gold looks better on you sir."  
  
"Can you believe him mom!" said Kaona to her mother over the phone. "He called me out of Bakura's wedding, I'm never gonna get that moment back! I'm surprised I even got that moment in the first place!"  
  
"Listen honey," said her mother. "Just forget about it and look for a new job! Oh stop!"  
  
"I didn't do anything." Said Kaona.  
  
"Not you honey," said her mother. "It's your father he keeps trying to snag a bit of chocolate cake! I keep telling him he shouldn't have it!"  
  
"And why not!?" said her father in the background.  
  
"Oh, stop!" said Kaona's mother. "You've got a cholesterol level over 300, y-you're practically a solid!"  
  
"Good bye mom." Said Kaona hanging up the phone. And so the search for a new job began.  
  
"You know we're always looking for people like you miss Kaona." Said her interviewer.  
  
"Thank you sir." She answered.  
  
"But," said the interviewer. "The Pharaoh did call us and say you're a valuable part of his operations down at the palace."  
  
"Your resume is very impressive I must tell you that." Said Kaona's second interviewer.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"But the Pharaoh called us and told us that you're very valuable to him."  
  
It continued this way during each interview. To Kaona it was a nightmare.  
  
"Well, miss Kaona, you seem like the kind of person we've been looking for."  
  
"When did the Pharaoh call?"  
  
"The Pharaoh never called."  
  
"WHEN DID HE CALL!!!!???"  
  
"Maybe an hour ago."  
  
Kaona was furious. She decided that she would ask the Pharaoh what was going on. When she got to the palace, he was on his back, getting a massage.  
  
"What was that about!?" yelled Kaona.  
  
"Girls," said the Pharaoh airily. "I'm suddenly feeling a sharp pain in my ass."  
  
"Get up!" said Kaona, whipping into sitting position. "I got calls from everyone telling me about how important I am to you, and how I shouldn't work there! The only place you didn't call was Slurpy Heaven!"  
  
"Actually," said Yami. "I did call Slurpy Heaven. I told them you weren't slurpy material."  
  
"That's it Pharaoh!" yelled Kaona. "I'm about to get ug"  
  
"Your highness!" cried one of the royal guards. "The prisoners are having a fiesta, and they just formed a congo line!  
  
Screen shot of jail cells: "Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole.ohhhhhhhh! It is burning like heck and it's hot hot hot!"  
  
"Quickly," said Yami. "We must get down there!"  
  
Kaona smiled.  
  
"You know," said the Pharaoh to her. "For a second back there, I thought you were going to kill me, and feed me to the poor!"  
  
"Well actually," said Kaona. "I was going to perform a make shift organ sacrifice, but, thanks for the idea."  
  
When they finally reached the jail cells the fiesta was still going.  
  
"I command you to stop!" yelled Yami, and everyone fell quiet. "Guards, take them to the chamber of increasingly bad hairdays!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled Yami Bakura. "Don't punish us! Punish the Atlanteans!"  
  
"The Atlanteans?" asked Yami. "Why them?"  
  
"Because," said Yami Bakura. "They stole some of the technology that belonged to the Pharaoh's before you!"  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Sakira. "And, they destroyed our villages, burned our crops and raided our tombs!"  
  
"They DID?" asked everyone in unison.  
  
"NO!" said Sakira. "But are we just gonna sit and wait until they do?!"  
  
"NO!" replied everone.  
  
"Let's get em!" yelled Bakura.  
  
"I shall take my troops to Atlantis and take back what is ours!" said Yami.  
  
2 hours later:  
  
"I don't believe it!" yelled Yami. "I took the amount of troops necessary for that raid, and we still got beaten!"  
  
"Dude," said Yami Bakura. "You took Cher and the lead singer from Aerosmith with you! Two people are not enough! Not even for Atlantis!"  
  
"Well then what do I need?" asked the Pharaoh.  
  
"Your best troops, and these guys." Said Yami Bakura pushing the Pharaoh onto a balcony that overlooked thousands of tomb robbers in full armor.  
  
"Where on earth did your tomb robbers get my soldiers armor?" asked Yami.  
  
"Oh no special place." Said Yami Bakura stabbing a guard and tossing the armor to Sakira.  
  
"We want only two things Pharaoh." Said Bakura. "After this is over, you don't arrest us, and you give my twin the position of both high priest and head general.  
  
"Oh, fine." Said Yami dully.  
  
"Now," yelled Sakira. "Let's go kick some Atlantean butt!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
The troops trudged on through the sand. It took many days and many night, but the finally reached the sea.  
  
"This is great!" yelled Yami as they got on the ship. "The Atlanteans will never know what hit them once we arrive on our unstoppable sip, the Titanic!"  
  
"I know," said Kaona. "Nothing can go wrong now!"  
  
12 hours later:  
  
"The water tight compartments are over flowing sir!!"  
  
"Quick," yelled Bakura. "To the life boats!"  
  
"I really wish we had put more of those on!" yelled Sakira.  
  
"Quickly!" said Yami Bakura. "Lets jump!"  
  
The remaining 3400 passengers all jumped at once, creating a 2000-foot high tidal wave, which pushed them all to the beaches of Atlantis. They assembled themselves and headed towards the walls of the Forbidden City area of Atlantis. They then came to a hill. Past the hill was a gate with a tinny bunny hopping around it.  
  
"There is said to be a monster that guards the entrance to the heart of Atlantis." Said one of the tomb robbers.  
  
"Well," said Yami. "Where is it? Is it behind the rabbit?"  
  
"No," said Yami Bakura laying on a Scottish accent. "It is the rabbit!"  
  
"I shall take on this rabbit!" said one of the imperial guards.  
  
As soon as he approached the rabbit it pounced, biting and snarling. At long last the guard returned with many large bruises on himself.  
  
"Wait a minute!" yelled Bakura. "What happened to your moustache?"  
  
"He ripped half of it off!" said the guard.  
  
"He ripped off your moustache?" said Sakira, wincing. "That must have hurt!"  
  
"You have no idea, of the pain." Said the guard grimly.  
  
"There is only one thing the can destroy this monster!" said Yami. "Scribe, bring me the Holy Hand Grenade!"  
  
The Pharaoh was handed a golden grenade with an Ankh on top. The Pharaoh then pulled the Ankh out of the grenade, and threw it. BANG! The bunny was nowhere to be found.  
  
The troops continued to move until they reached a bridge. There was a tiny man on the bridge, along with Kaiba.  
  
"It's Kaiba!" yelled Yami Bakura. "If he gets across that bridge he'll be able to get the technology first!"  
  
"Oh don't worry," said Yami. "There's still one important thing he doesn't know."  
  
"What is your name?" asked the small man.  
  
"Seto Kaiba."  
  
"What is your quest?"  
  
"I seek the stolen technology."  
  
"What is your favorite color?"  
  
"Green, no yellow. AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Kaiba as he was magically thrown off the bridge into the swirling vortex of impending doom.  
  
Our heroes then approached the bridge.  
  
"I shall be speaking for all of us." Said Yami Bakura.  
  
"Fine." Said the man. "What is your name?"  
  
"Bakura."  
  
"What is your quest?"  
  
"I seek the stolen technology."  
  
"What is your favorite color?"  
  
"Green, but what is your favorite color?"  
  
"Um purple, no pink, AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!"  
  
The troops then ran across the bridge, to find yet another obstacle.  
  
"We are the knight who say Ni! Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni,."  
  
"Make it stop!" yelled Kaona.  
  
"We will stop if you bring us a shrubbery! Then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest, with this herring!" said the knight holding up a fish.  
  
"I don't have time for this!" yelled Yami, blasting them away with the Millennium Puzzle.  
  
"What are you all waiting for," asked Bakura. "Let's go charge Atlantis!"  
  
"Charge!!!"  
  
In the west guard tower of Atlantis, the look out saw something in the distance.  
  
"Oh look," he said. "It's a well organized army of angry Egyptians, how nice..What am I saying!? Sound the alarms!"  
  
But it was too late. The Egyptians had already gotten through, and began either blasting buildings, or killing Atlantean infantry.  
  
Yami Bakura took out a bronze cat statue, and it suddenly came to life in the form of a powerful, 600-pound panther.  
  
"Come on Guewnhyvar," said Yami Bakura, unsheathing his scimitars. "Let's get em!"  
  
All over there was chaos. The Egyptians were easily destroying the city. Their magic and weapons could easily block anything the Atlanteans threw at them.  
  
Sakira cut down the enemy with ease. Unfortunately, she didn't notice the crossbowman right behind her.  
  
"Eh hem." Said the archer. "You're dead Egyptian!"  
  
Just as he was about to fire at her, he was intercepted by 600 pounds of black fur and muscle.  
  
"Nice one." Said Sakira, rubbing the cat between the ears.  
  
Author note: The battle has only just begun! So will Atlantis fall? Who knows?! Who cares?! The lunacy has only just begun!! 


	5. Crusade of the Idiots part II

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter Five: Crusade of the Idiots Part II  
  
The battle continued throughout the streets of Atlantis. The Egyptians continued to destroy buildings.  
  
"Atlantean wimps!" screamed Sakira, as she and Bakura plowed through a wall.  
  
"Oh look," said the Atlantean King. "Angry armies of Egyptians are destroying my city.AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!"  
  
"This is it!" said Yami Bakura, using a megaphone. "Lord of Atlantis, we are about to use our most deadly weapon on you and your city."  
  
"Nothing you use can get us!" yelled the King. "We have anti aircraft, anti chariot, and anti infantry weapons!"  
  
"Yes," said Yami Bakura. "But you don't have answering machines. Hit it Pharaoh!"  
  
"You got it!" said Yami, pressing a button.  
  
Atlantean Palace: Ring Ring.  
  
"Hello?" said the King.  
  
"Hello," said a voice. "Would you be interested in paying 2000 dollars for chariot insurance?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" screamed the King, slamming down the phone.  
  
Ring ring.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello, would you be interested in buying our mattresses?"  
  
"AAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
Ring ring.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Hello, this is your tax collector reminding you that taxes are due on the twenty first."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Stop the TELEMARKETING CALLS!!!!" screamed the king, falling to his knees. "Take back your technology, and leave us in peace!"  
  
"Alright!" yelled Kaona. "We won! And in less than 45 minutes! We might just make it back in time for my soap!"  
  
The Egyptians got the technology, and left the island, on thousands of small rowboats.  
  
"There's just one last thing I have to do." Said Bakura, pulling out a TNT detonator box. "I'm sinking the island!" Bakura smiled, and pushed the lever.  
  
BANG!!!!  
  
Slowly the island began to sink into the depths of the ocean.  
  
"I'll get you for this!" said the King. "You treacherous Egypti-glug glug glug."  
  
Two days later, the Egyptians returned home. Bakura and Sakira were given an official wedding, with Yami Bakura, as the priest. And, this time, the Pharaoh didn't call Kaona out of the ceremony, seeing as he was there in person.  
  
"You may now kiss the bride." Said Yami Bakura, closing the scroll. Bakura leaned forward, kissing Sakira.  
  
"And now it's time for our entertainment!" yelled Kaona.  
  
"We are the three caballeros, we like to sing and to dance and to party all night long! We are the three caballeros, we like to sing and to dance and to party all night loooong!"  
  
"Wait everybody," said Yami. "Here's a snappy tune about my predecessor, Ramses!" Everyone watched as the Pharaoh place the needle on the record.  
  
Music(Fast beat) "It's RAAAAAmses! The mummy's curse, the mummy's curse! Ohhh RAAAAMses! The mummy's curse, the mummy's curse!"  
  
"Make it stop!" shouted Bakura.  
  
"Guenhyvar," yelled Yami Bakura. "Tactical maneuver 345Y9XJ!"  
  
Guenhyvar growled. She jumped on top of the chandelier hanging above the record player. She aimed, and pounced. Bang!  
  
"Look everybody, the music is gone!" yelled Sakira.  
  
"YAAAAY!" yelled everybody except the Pharaoh.  
  
"Wait!" yelled Yami. "I have a back up record player!"  
  
"AWWW MAAAAN!"  
  
The Pharaoh took out his spare record player a placed in a new record.  
  
Music: I got you babe. I got you babe!  
  
"HOLY RA!" screamed everyone in the room. "IT'S SONNY & CHER!"  
  
"None of you people like my music!" said Yami.  
  
"Well duh!" said Yami Bakura. "You're rich, pompus, and whiny! It's obvious that you have bad taste!"  
  
"Darn it!" said Yami.  
  
The following day was a rather special one. It was not only the day that Yami Bakura was to be officially crowned high priest, but it was also the day on which Bakura, Yami Bakura, Sakira, and Kaona, would be knighted. The knighting ceremony came first, and was held in the throne room. The Pharaoh took out a sword from a glass case.  
  
"I dub you," said the Pharaoh, tapping the sword on Bakura's shoulders, and then on his head. "Sir Bakura Ryou, for the finest plundering in all of Egypt. May you continue onto greatness, in another country.  
  
The Pharaoh then moved towards Sakira, repeating the process.  
  
"I dub you, Madam Sakira, for alerting all of Egypt of the evils of Atlantis." Said Yami.  
  
He then moved to Yami Bakura.  
  
"I dub you, Sir Bakura Ryou, for great militaristic and religious services to Egypt." Said Yami. Yami Bakura smiled.  
  
"And lastly," said Yami, moving to Kaona. "I dub you Madam Kaona, for making some of the wisest decisions I have ever heard.  
  
All four stood up, and the crowd behind them cheered like mad.  
  
Two hours after the knighting ceremony, Yami Bakura's anointment ceremony. It was held in the temple to all of the gods. Bakura was wearing a long, flowing, velvet, and green robe. The Pharaoh then walked up to him, carrying three objects. He first presented Yami Bakura with the two shorter objects.  
  
"I present to you," began Yami. "The Crook and Flail of your center god, Osiris. Do you accept all responsibilities and power that you are being given in this ceremony?"  
  
"I accept." Said Yami Bakura.  
  
The Pharaoh then took out the third object, which was much longer. It was a golden pole, with an Ankh at the head.  
  
"I now give you," said Yami. "The staff of the gods, granted from Ra to Osiris, and then down to Horus, so that he could rid our world of the dark god Set. Do you accept its power?"  
  
"I accept." Said Yami Bakura.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen," said the Pharaoh, facing the crowd. "I give you, Bakura, high priest of Egypt!" Everyone clapped, whistled, cheered, or snorted. (Don't ask.)  
  
"Pharaoh," said Bakura, Sakira at his side. "We'll be going now, it's been nice 'working' with you." And with that, they jumped onto their horses, and sped off.  
  
This might sound like the end of our story. And for a while it was. But now, I'll bring you the comic events of each person's life, instead of having them all together.  
  
Author's note: That wasn't funny at all in my opinion, but, next up, Bakura tries to get into law school!! (Yes, it is a take-off on Legally Blonde.) 


	6. How YOU can get a job at the palace: The...

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter Six: How YOU can get a Job at the Palace: The Video  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh or Legally Blonde  
  
"Bakura," said Sakira, sipping a martini. "Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
"For the last time Sakira," said Bakura, rolling his eyes. "Yes, I'm going to apply for a job at the palace. And, if I work hard enough, I might even get to go to the law school on the palace grounds! Then I can become a lawyer!"  
  
"But, sweety," said Sakira. "Law school is a place for people who are.ugly, boring, and serious. And you're none of those things!"  
  
Admissions place thing:  
  
"You want to got to the Pharaoh's law school? You want to go to Harvard?" asked Bakura's interviewer. "That's a top three school."  
  
"I have a 4.0" said Bakura.  
  
"Yes," said the interviewer. "But your major is Plunder, and Burial Services. Harvard won't be interested that you aced History of mummy wrappings. Do you have any back ups?"  
  
"I don't need backups," said Bakura. "I'm going to Harvard."  
  
"WWWell then," said the interviewer. "You'll need excellent recommendations from your professors, a heck of an admissions essay, and at least a 175 on your L.S.A.T. s"  
  
"Thanks for your help." Said Bakura as he walked out of the building.  
  
Two days later, Bakura received a tape. The first section contained information about how to get a job at the palace. The second contained info on how to get into Harvard. Since he wanted to get a job and make some money, (He has plenty, Sakira just didn't want to let him spend it all on college.) Bakura decided to watch the 'Get a job.' Portion first.  
  
The first section contained information about getting jobs that tomb robbers were allowed to have at the palace. There was only one, waiter and/or chef. Bakura slipped the tape into the VCR, and it began:  
  
Narrator: Hello there!  
  
Bakura: Who, me?  
  
N: YES, you!  
  
B: Cool.  
  
N: Would you like a job at the palace?  
  
B: Uh huh!  
  
N: Well then listen up! Because we're going to show you what it takes, to work at the Pharaoh's favorite fast food restaurant!  
  
B: Awesome!!!  
  
N: The first thing is to always be on time! If you're not on time you could be put on, suspension without pay!!  
  
Random Voice: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!  
  
N: The next thing is, the customer is always right!  
  
Screen shot:  
  
Cashier: It costs $12.00 sir!  
  
Idiotic customer: Noooo it costs a cow!  
  
C: I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept payment in the form of LIVESTOCK!!!!  
  
IC: You know what, I'm never eating here again!  
  
C: Uh sir. Our records show that this is the first time you've even set foot in our restaurant!  
  
N: Okay, so maybe the customer isn't ALWAYS right.  
  
B: YYYup.  
  
N: The next thing you should know is how to interact with your boss!  
  
Screen shot:  
  
Employee: Sir, can I have a raise?  
  
Greedy boss: No.  
  
N: Very good!  
  
N: This restaurant, like every other, has its secret to success. The secret to success here, is the famous dish known as, the Human Sacrifice burger!  
  
B: Say wha.  
  
N: But, like the lost gold of Atlantis,  
  
B: *Smiles*  
  
N: Every treasure has a thief who wants to steal it! That thief is Seto Kaiba.  
  
Screen shot: Kaiba running into a carriage with a burger.  
  
K: Hi ho silver!!!  
  
Note: A snail pulls the carriage.  
  
Boss: *Walks out* You'll never take our secret recipe Kaiba!!! *Walks faster than the carriage and stops it.  
  
K: You'll never catch me goon! Especially once I shift into maximum overdrive!!!  
  
Speed of the snail, before: 1.0 mph. After: 0.5 mph.  
  
K: No! I've been defeated again!!!  
  
N: Now that we've covered the basics, (Not much.) it's time that you, the all too necessary human resource that keeps this restaurant going, will learn the deep and dark secrets of the Human Sacrifice Burger! Are you ready?  
  
Geek employee: Uh huh!!  
  
N: Are you sure?  
  
GE: Yes!!!  
  
N: Very well then, the secret recipe is a- video ends.  
  
Bakura: Whoa....coooool!!!!  
  
Two weeks later:  
  
"Sakira!!!" said Bakura in a singsong tone. "I got a job at the palace!!!!"  
  
"That's great!" yelled Sakira. "How much do you make?"  
  
"Well," said Bakura. "I uh, persuaded the head chef to pay me $6000.00 a week, so that means in four weeks I can go to Harvard!!!!"  
  
And the work began.  
  
Author's note: I'm just gonna skip his job at the palace thing.  
  
Finally Bakura was able to quit his job. The only things that remained were studying for the L.S.A.T.' s, and, if he passed, his admissions video/essay.  
  
In the weeks that Bakura studied, he did almost nothing except read and have Sakira give him practice tests. Finally, the day came. Sakira had even set up a podium in front of a group of random villagers.  
  
"Now remember," said Sakira over the megaphone. "He needs at least a 175 to pass."  
  
Bakura walked up to the podium, sweating like mad. He opened his envelope and took out the slip of paper. For a second he looked horror struck. There were whispers of "Oh no." and "What a shame."  
  
Suddenly, Bakura's expression changed dramatically and he spoke.  
  
"One seventy-nine!!!!" yelled Bakura. The crowd went absolutely crazy and started jumping.  
  
Sakira ran onto the stage.  
  
"I can't believe it!!!" she yelled over the crowd as she hugged him.  
  
Now it was time for the admissions essay. It took about two weeks to shoot, and then, it was sent to a panel of, 'judges' to decide whether he would be let in.  
  
The video. The first scene shows Bakura sunbathing looking away from the camera. He suddenly turns his head.  
  
B: Oh, hi there. My name is Bakura Ryou, and I'm gonna tell all you people at Harvard why you should let me in.  
  
Scene jumps to a room full of people, sitting at a long table, with Bakura at the head.  
  
Bakura's background voice: As president of my burial service, I'm skilled at commanding the attention of others.  
  
B: It has come to my attention, that the maintenance staff is thinking off switching our mummy wrap from Charmin, to generic. All those in favor of organized protest please say 'I'.  
  
Entire room: I!  
  
BBV: I'm able to recall hundreds of details at the drop of a hat.  
  
Random friend: Hey Bakura, do you know what happened on Days of Our Lives yesterday?  
  
B: Why yes Margo, I do. Once again we join Hope in the search for her identity. As you know she's been brainwashed by the evil Stephano.  
  
Next scene: Shows Bakura walking through a market.  
  
B: I'm not afraid to use legal jargon in everyday life.  
  
Random woman: Hey there hot stuff.  
  
B: I object! *Innocent yet stupid smile. *  
  
Back to the sunbathing.  
  
B: And that's why you should vote for me, Bakura Ryou, future lawyer for the class of 45bc!  
  
Judges: *Blank stare*  
  
Judge one: Well he does have a 4.0, and he did get a 179 on his LSAT' s.  
  
Judge two: A plunderer?  
  
Judge three: Well sir, we've never had one before, and aren't we always looking for diversity?  
  
Judge two: He was in a Christina Aguleira video.  
  
Judge one: Clearly, he's interested in music.  
  
Judge four: His list of extra curricular activities is rather impressive.  
  
Judge two: Bakura Ryou, huh, welcome to Harvard.  
  
Author's note: I'm sorry that this chapter wasn't very funny but I'll try and make the next two or three better. I know I said in chapter five that this would be funnier, but I promise that I'll try and make the next much funnier. 


	7. Legally White

Insanity in Ancient Egypt  
  
Chapter Seven: Legally White  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh or Legally Blonde.  
  
Bakura Ryou was unable to go to sleep. He had been accepted into Harvard, one of the best schools in Egypt. Tomorrow morning he would start the first semester, and live in a dorm for the next three years. He had decided to bring his ferret, fluffy, along with him.  
  
It was a bright and sunny day. Bakura, driving his convertible, and with a U-haul truck behind him, was on his way to Harvard. The trip took him about two hours.  
  
When he pulled up at the entrance, where his stuff would be unloaded, Bakura went to log in.  
  
People around him began to stare, mainly because of his white hair and pale skin.  
  
"Hey Craig," said a voice. "Check out the freak. "Where's the circus, freako?!"  
  
"Hi," said Bakura to one of several check in people. "Um Ryou comma Bakura."  
  
The man stared.  
  
"Um, yeah." Said the man. "Here's your schedule, book list, and key to your room."  
  
"Thanks!" said Bakura innocently.  
  
As Bakura walked up to the entrance of the building that housed his dorm, people began to stare.  
  
"Isn't this exciting Fluffy?" said Bakura. "Don't worry, everyone will like me."  
  
After moving everything into his dorm, Bakura proceeded to his first class. He took a seat in the front row. The professor then walked in. She was a woman about 55 or 60, with fading reddish blonde hair.  
  
Bakura noticed that everyone around him had a laptop. As the teacher began introducing herself, Bakura took out his dagger shaped note pad, and feather pen.  
  
"Now," said the teacher. "The seat you have picked will be yours for the next nine months, of your life." Bakura smiled stupidly.  
  
"And for those of you in the front row." the teacher's voice quieted menacingly. "Beware." Bakura's smile shrank by a few molars.  
  
The teacher then took out a pointer, and thrust it at the words on the black board. "The law is reason free from passion. Does anyone now who recently spoke those simple yet immortal words?"  
  
A man three rows behind Bakura hand shot up. "Aristotle!" he said quickly.  
  
"Are you sure?" said the teacher walking up to him.  
  
"I think so." He said nervously.  
  
"Would you be willing.to steak your life on it?"  
  
"Y-yes."  
  
The teacher walked to a girl two rows forward, and whacked her on the head with a pencil.  
  
"What about.her life?" said the teacher.  
  
"I-I don't know."  
  
"Well.I recommend knowing, before speaking." She walked back to the front. "And you were right.it was Aristotle."  
  
The man breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Now." began the teacher. "I suspect that you have read your assignment? Let's call on someone from the hot seat..Bakura Ryou?"  
  
"Oh." said Bakura smiling. "I wasn't aware that we had an assignment?"  
  
"Really," said the teacher. "Mr. Kensington (The male version of Vivian.) do you think it is acceptable that Mr. Ryou is unprepared?"  
  
"No." he said in dull intellectual monotone. "I do not."  
  
Bakura's mouth dropped open in horror.  
  
"Would you then agree with my decision to ask him to leave class until he is prepared?" asked the professor.  
  
"Absolutely." Said Kensington shaking his head.  
  
Bakura was furious. He quickly packed up his things and left the classroom. He sat down on a bench under a tree next to a girl who was writing something.  
  
"Excuse me," she said. "Are you alright?"  
  
"Yeah." Said Bakura. "But do they always put you on the spot like that?"  
  
"Yeah," said the girl. "It's a cratic method."  
  
"Eeeew." Said Bakura.  
  
"So," began the girl, putting down her pen. "You must have Stromwell." DUN DUN DUN!!!! FLASH!!  
  
"Uh." Said Bakura. "Did anyone else hear the dramatic music and see the lightning?"  
  
"Yup." Said the girl. (Whose name is Robin.) "It seems to happen here whenever I say her name. Don't worry. It strictly applies to her. So don't say her name to often."  
  
"Wow." Said Bakura. "I'm glad I ran into you."  
  
"Hey! Bakura! Is that you?" said a voice. Bakura turned. He saw his friend Melanie running towards him.  
  
"Hey," said Bakura. "How are you!"  
  
"Well," said Mel. "I'm getting married!"  
  
"You are!?" yelled Bakura. "Great!"  
  
"So. How was your first class?" asked Mel, who knew the albino well.  
  
"Oh." said Bakura. "It was fine except for this horrible guy in class who tried to make me look bad."  
  
Suddenly, to Bakura's horror, the guy from class walked up beside Mel and put his arm around her. "Hey babe." Bakura stared.  
  
"Oh.Bakura.this is my friend John." Said Mel.  
  
"I'm" said John. "Her fiancé." Suddenly Bakura saw the engagement ring on his finger sparkle.  
  
"I-I'm sorry.I just hallucinated.what?" said Bakura.  
  
"I'm John Kensington." DUN DUN DUN!!!! FLASH!!!!  
  
"Did anyone else hear the dramatic music and see the lightning?" asked Bakura.  
  
"YYYYup." Said Robin, leaving to go to lunch.  
  
"Melanie's told us all about you." Said John. "You're famous at our club." He walked off. Bakura ran off to his sports car and started driving around, tears in his eyes. He finally passed what he was looking for. Osiris's: Dagger sharpenings and buffing.  
  
"Oh thank Ra!" said Bakura, pulling into the shop. He ran inside and found a woman who was eating a doughnut. "Are you free?"  
  
"Yyyyup." Said the woman in an odd accent. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
"I worked sooo hard to get into Harvard!" cried Bakura. "And now there's this awful guy who's completely trying to ruin my life because of my hair color!"  
  
"Shame," said the woman. "But, it happens everyday. I was best friends with a girl named Jane, but then she met Shawn and he kinda kicked me out. And now.I'm a middle aged high school drop out.with stretch marks and a fat ass."  
  
"That's terrible." Whimpered Bakura. "Oh my gosh! Look.there he is..the guy who's ruining my life, and on the first day of school involving little character development! (Detailed no?)"  
  
"I think I can help you." Said the woman. "Take this book and this." The woman then took out what looked like a heavily decorated Easter egg with an Ankh on top of it.  
  
The Holy Hand Grenade: HALLEJUHAH! HALLEJUHAH! HALLEJUHAH!  
  
Bakura looked puzzled. "Nice choir, which one was it?"  
  
"Oh just some random group called the Boston POPS." Said the woman rolling her eyes. "Like they'll ever be famous." (That drum and symbols thing they do for jokes plays in the background)  
  
"Now," said the woman (named Paulette.) "Read the instructions."  
  
"Okay." Said Bakura opening the large book. "Thy shall thy Holy Hand Grenade and place it in thy right hand for lobbing..does it really matter?"  
  
"Nah." Said Paulette. "Just keep readin'."  
  
"Alright." Said Bakura. "Thy shall then countith to five. Thy shall countith in thisith mannerith: One thy, two thy, three thy, four thy, five thy. Then thy shall lob thy Holy Hand Grenade at thy beast."  
  
Bakura then pulled out the Ankh shaped pin and counted. "One thy, Two thy, Three thy, Four thy, Five thy!" He then threw the grenade at John and ducked.  
  
John, idiot that he was, picked it up and said, "Like Ch'ya! I rich!" It was at this moment that the grenade finished counting down and gave off it's warning signal:  
  
HALLEJUHAH!! BLAM!!!!!  
  
John: X_X Bakura: ^___________________^ Paulette: ^^;  
  
"Bye Paulette." Said Bakura looking teary eyed. "Even though I've known you for less than an hour..I'm gonna miss you!"  
  
"I'm going to miss you too you sexy albino boy."  
  
WHOOOOOAAAA lassie!  
  
"Could you just.stop with the touchy." Said Bakura.  
  
"Oh," said Paulette. "Sure. Bye Bakura!"  
  
"Bye!" said Bakura driving off in his car. "I can't wait to see Sakira again.  
  
Meanwhile: Sakira was having a house party. With other men! And Bakura will return in only three hours! GASP!!! IS THE REALTIONSHIP GONNA BE OVER!!!! NOOOOO! Oh well. Just like wait for the next chapter. (Sorry it took so long to update.)  
  
THE END!!! FOR NOW!!!! Note: Soon, this story will become random daily events to make it easier to be funny! Don't worry though. Insanity in Ancient Egypt will never truly change!!! 


End file.
